Tag Archives: God

Living Water for His Sheep

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You know, sometimes words escape me. Sometimes there’s so many words around us that don’t matter that we never find the moment for words that do. Sometimes we fill the space with words so we don’t have to fill it with Truth. With the Word.

I have been angry. And hurting. Angry because I’ve been hurting. And the Lord has been insisting that I give that up to Him. And the truth is that I haven’t wanted to. I can’t see the end from the beginning. I can’t see into hearts and souls. And sometimes I find it hard to give things up to Him because it seems like He’s too soft on people. He lets them get away with things, behaviors, actions and just forgives, forgives, forgives.

{I know, I’m stacking sin on top of sin over here on my side!}

Then we were sitting at dinner and the Cowboy started telling us what he learned in school that day–the story of Sodom and Gomorrah’s destruction and how Lot’s wife looked back and turned to a pillar of salt. (Genesis 19:1-29)

He asked why she looked back.

I said, “Well, because she didn’t trust the Lord. Because she didn’t listen to what He said. Because sometimes we can’t help but hanker back toward our sin and we find it hard to just walk away and not look back. Because sometimes we want things done our way and feel the need to check up on how the Lord is handling things to make sure it meets our expectations. That His fire and brimstone matches our definition of fire and brimstone. Because sometimes we’re just downright disobedient. We don’t want to do what God tells us–we want what we have, or what we think we’re gonna have. We like where we are. We’re comfortable and just fine and not interested in moving on just because He said GO. We don’t see anything wrong with where we are right now.”

Four pairs of bright blue eyes stared at me.

Stared at me.

Cowboy looked right at me and said, “The Bible doesn’t say that. My teacher said the Bible doesn’t tell us.”

Well, no, my precious child, the Bible doesn’t have those words right there. Not on that page. But the Bible is not just one page–it’s all the words from the beginning and the middle and the end. The end from the beginning. The beginning knowing the end. I’ve read all the words. I know.

And I know better.

I know better than to put my Bible down and not open it because I’m angry.

“For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12)

I know better than to forget that the Holy Spirit is part of the living God and part of myself as a child of God, and will lead me into wisdom (sometimes kicking and screaming) with conviction.

“And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.” (Ephesians 4:30)

And I know better than to doubt the plan and perfect timing of the Lord.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose…What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:28 and 8:31)

Do you need a little time back in the Word? A little time in the prayer closet?

Take it!

The world is a whole different place when you step back and let God lead!

“If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.” (John 12:26)

 

Broken Fences

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I had a pretty mixed up, unexpected weekend. I had to go out-of-town, and I had to come face-to-face with some of the less than lovely parts of my own history and less than lovely traits of my own character.

Ever feel like no matter how much you pray, and how much you read your bible, and how much you go to church, that whole “new life in Christ” thing just won’t stick? That the old you is just bubbling under the surface, waiting to burst back onto the scene?

Like you’re not being refined by the fire, you’re just being burned alive?

We’re all just rickety old wooden fences.

Warped and twisted, bent and broken. Knocked down by time, by storms, by pressures outside of ourselves. Lucky to still be standing at all, and of no real use to anyone.

And the Lord saves us, and makes us whole and useful again. He pulls us straight and true and stands us up tall and strong.

And for a while we’re feeling great and nothing can get through us.

Then we start to feel worn and tired again. And we look around and start to think, I haven’t been “made new”, I’m just a patch job. And a bad one at that.

Or maybe–

Just maybe–

You’re just not looking close enough…

The Lord doesn’t do things half way. Just because He uses the same boundary lines, doesn’t mean He built a new fence on rotten old fence posts.

I don’t know how I can be a new creation, and still be me. I don’t know how I can be red-hot with anger, or puffed up with pride, and still turn the other cheek. I don’t know how I can face the pain, and still let it go. How I can burn with words and still stay silent.

How a heart can bleed so much, and still beat.

I just know that He’s still working on me.

And sometimes it probably requires a chainsaw more than sandpaper.

 

The First Day Back to School

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Yes, it came last week. Again.

L to R: The Cowboy, K5; Speedracer, K4; the Ladybug, 3rd grade.

The dreaded first day back to school…that they’ve been looking forward to for weeks. Truly, they have. They were so excited to start back.  Orientation on the 17th just fueled their little fires.

They’ve been tired (very tired) but happy.

I dropped them off the first day. This was our first time doing a drop-off line and not getting to walk them in.

They did fine, waved good-bye, holler “I love you!” and headed inside.

I waved good-bye, hollered “I love you!” drove 1500 feet to the 7-11 and burst into tears.

It’s hard letting them go.

It’s hard picking them up and knowing that the best part of their energy was spend somewhere else and I’ll be hard put to create something good out of the exhausted few hours we have left in the day.

It’s hard to choose joy.

“When God calls us to follow Him, He seems to be very concerned about our faith and fairly unconcerned with our comfort and convenience.”  – Zan Tyler, 7 Tools for Cultivating Your Child’s Potential.

I wish I could say that every year gets a little easier, but it doesn’t. I think maybe each year gets a little harder.

Each time I send them off, I realize deep down inside that I’m getting closer and closer to sending them off for good.

Each time I let them go, I’m one hug down on the finite number of hugs I’ll get in this lifetime.

Oh Lord, give me the strength and endurance to make the most of each day, each moment, each breath–to Your good purpose.

“Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:26-29)

 

Farther Along We’ll Understand Why

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You know, I’ve felt pretty beaten up, spiritually speaking, this summer.

I’ve missed my parents and longed for their steady guidance desperately.

I’ve floundered with this school change–speaking acceptance out of my mouth while my heart and mind struggled frantically against it.

I’ve prayed, oh how much I’ve prayed, and then rebelled against the answers I heard. My actions reluctantly followed directions, but my heart was still looking for any crack or hole to slip out of, any weakness in the wall to exploit, any excuse to change directions.

Let’s just be honest–submission’s not really my forte. I was raised with more of a “never give up, never give in, and die fighting” philosophy.

It’s a good philosophy if you’re fighting the good fight. But fighting against God (and/or your husband, as may apply!) isn’t the good fight.

The Ladybug enjoying a fresh fruit and whipped cream parfait.

I wrote that final check for the kiddo’s new school year the other day and spoke at length with the secretary at the school about what their day will be like–how lunchtime works, what extended care will be like, how drop off and pick up works–just everything to understand their day in this new place.

And I left thinking, they are going to be in a good place.

As I drove back to work, I cried.

And I finally let go and admitted to the Lord, thank you! Thank you! This isn’t what I wanted, but this is the path we are on, and now I can see that it’s good. I’m sorry I wasted so much energy fighting it. I’ve been living under fear, not grace. Thank you for not giving up on me!

There’s nothing like white-smudged noses to tell a momma she did a good job.

At prayer meeting last night we had testimonies and sang the old hymn, Farther Along. Do you know that one? Oh my, the Lord was just holding my hand so tightly…

Tempted and tried we’re oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all by and by
When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
Then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all by and by

As I listened to the prayer requests around me, then the testimonies of joy and grace and blessings and 20 years of marriage and 35 years of marriage and 58 years of marriage, and expectations for new life and new salvation…I thought, my life is so good, we are so blessed!

In the light of eternity, how many of our trials today turn out to be but grains of sand?

Faithful til death, said our loving Master
A few more days to labor and wait
Toils of the road will then seem as nothing
As we sweep through that beautiful gate
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all by and by
When we see Jesus coming in glory
When he comes down from his home in the sky
Then we shall meet him in that bright mansion
We’ll understand it all by and by
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all by and by

So thankful today for the simple peace of the Lord.

What are you thankful for today?

Covered by Grace

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The Ladybug got reprimanded the other night right before bed for picking at her brother. So when we heard her upstairs crying several minutes later, we assumed it was about that. When I went upstairs to say goodnight and address the tears, I found her in bed with a picture of my mom and dad. I calmly started picking up a few things in her room and asked her what was wrong.

She said, “I’m angry. Why did God have to take away my Nana Cindy and Papa Tim?”

I couldn’t breath.

My heart started pounding.

“Oh that I had wings like a dove, for then would I fly away, and be at rest.” (Psalms 55:6)

I posted these on Facebook a few days ago. Be sure to stop by and LIKE Walking in High Cotton’s new page, if you haven’t already!

Does that sound crazy? It’s been six years, after all.

And sometimes I think I’ve finally gained some space, some distance, some perspective on the situation and the loss, some peace…but when someone says their names, any time I have to say their names, any time I have to say words that inevitably indicate that they’re gone…it almost stops my heart.

In my mind, it’s gotten easier to deal with, but it literally takes my breath away to say their names out loud. If I ever mention them to or around you, please feel special. No matter how casual my face may look, it’s taking all my courage and nerves of steel to make my tongue move. It’s as if it all happened only yesterday.

And I’ve spent so much time worrying that fear of that pain would keep them so locked up inside of me that my children, my family, even the rest of the world would miss out on sharing them, and sharing their legacy because I can’t even say their names, much less share about their love and life.

These are camera phone pics that Ms Maya, our summer sitter, snapped for me this week. I don’t know what’s up with Speedracer’s grumpy look–but check out my Ladybug back there! {smile}

But you see–somewhere in the beautiful mess God’s grace has covered me.

He has made my little into a lot. He has rewarded my tiny, hard-fought moments of courage with abundance. He is feeding the multitudes with my “few little fishes.” (Matthew 15:34)

My children do know them. And miss them. And know that their Nana Cindy and Papa Tim loved them. Loved them fiercely. And are waiting in heaven to see them again.

I sat down on her bed, and took that picture in my shaking hands and told her that I didn’t know why either. I didn’t know why and it hurt. I didn’t know why, and it hurt, and sometimes it made me angry too. But I did know that God has a plan, and that it was all part of His plan, and that His plan is for only good things, and that I believe that with all of my heart–even when it hurts.

Because the Lord has blessed me, over and over again.

He has covered my weakness with His grace.

He has been my refuge and my strength.

“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” (Jeremiah 29:11)