Spring is beautiful and lovely and full of new life and fuzzy cuteness and fresh flowers and green growing things pushing up out of steamy-warm dirt…

And motorcycle lovers out enjoying the bright, breezy weather…and hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill so we don’t heat up the kitchen…and opening the windows because we are not turning the a/c on yet …and the sound of lawnmowers making things beautiful…

And my momma never wrote her homemade wine-sauce spaghetti recipe down for me…

And I stand in my kitchen in the glorious evening sunset and I am sad.

And skinny little arms hug around my leg, and a little hand pats the small of my back, and he leans on me…

“Did you have a hard day at work, Momma?”

And tears prick my eyes as I ruffle his soft-bristled hair…

“I’m fine buddy.”

And he is quiet, which he rarely is, and tears fall…

And I scoop him up and crush him close, and he rests his chin on my shoulder, and his hand rubs up and down, up and down, warm on my back, and he is quiet, which he rarely is…

And I think of all I have lost, and all I have been given…

And all that waits ahead…

And it burns…thick in my throat…it trembles in my stomach and deep in my muscles as I hold tight…

And I am afraid… of losing again…of losing more…

And a breeze ruffles the empty dandelion heads on my window sill…

And the blinds clatter against the wood…

And the curtain rings rattle…

And it whispers…

“It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. Is is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:22-26, KJV)

And it comforts…and I find stillness…and hope..

And he sighs…

And I let go.