Wow, I didn’t plan to take a blogging break, but here I am writing for the first time in, well, days. And days. I’ve hardly even been on the computer at all since last week. I’m excited about some new posts and writing assignments that are lining up, but I haven’t felt motivated to actually sit down and work on them. I’ve just been visiting with my sister, enjoying my kids, and facing the ups and downs of farm life.
We lost little Washtub Willie. I don’t know what happened and it really breaks my heart. I saw him one afternoon and he seemed to be fine. Still small, still not vigorous, but walking around and nursing with his twin. Keeping up with his Momma. The next morning, Mr. Fix-It came to tell me he found him laying in the corner, already gone.
It hurt. It really did.
I wonder if there was something else I could have done. I wonder if I just should have checked on him one more time. I wonder if I should have never let him go back with his Momma…
It made me want to cry like a child that doesn’t understand that this is how life works, how sometimes this just happens, how it’s not up to us in the end and we did the best we could. But life flows on and we still have 14 sturdy lambs to keep an eye on.
Then we ended up with a few day old chicks and of all things, a couple of ducks. How fun! We were only keeping them for a few days, and one of them apparently ended up on the bottom of a pile up in the brooder house and we found him just about gone. So I tucked him up in a warm rag and carried him inside and we started all over again.
I fed him Survive! vitamin supplement with a dropper and ran a heater for him and we brought him back from the brink. He was up walking around, eating and drinking, and chirping to beat the band.
Then I came home from work yesterday and he was laid out, stiff, and barely breathing.
This time I couldn’t bring him back.
And it hurt.
And this time I cried.
And I thought, where is the peace? Where is the joy we are promised? I’m trying so hard and it’s all just sad! Why do I feel so empty and tired?
Our Easter Sunday sermon was on LOVE. I’ve been mulling it over for days. It didn’t sink in right away for me like some of our Pastor’s other sermons have. But it hasn’t left my mind either. He kept asking, “Why shouldn’t we love God?” But the other half is “Because He loves us.”
It finally occurred to me that until we pour out our love to others like Christ pours out His love for us, we will never fully grasp all of the joy, hope, and love He has waiting for us. That emptiness inside doesn’t come from having nothing, it comes from giving nothing.
It is because of His LOVE that I am forgiven.
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus: Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God…” (Romans 3:23-25, KJV)
It is because of His LOVE that I am free.
“But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:22-23, KJV)
It is because of His LOVE that I am not consumed.
“It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.” (Lamentations 3:22, KJV)
It is because of His LOVE that I can have joy.
“These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.” (John 15:11, KJV)
It is because of His LOVE that I have hope.
“That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay upon the hope set before us: Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast…” (Hebrews 6:18-19, KJV)
It is because of all He gives to me. When I feel empty, or sad, or alone…when the cross gets too heavy to carry, that is the time to reach out and give more!
Why does it take me so long to understand these things?