May is a tough month for me.

Every year I struggle more with Mother’s Day. My children want so much for it to be special for me, but inside my whole heart just cries that I would rather celebrate having a mother than being a mother, today. No day reminds me more that I am a motherless daughter than Mother’s Day.

Every year, as I approach that anniversary, that day, that moment from 2006, I struggle against fear. Fear that it’s not over. Fear that I still have more to lose, more to be taken, stolen. Fear that there’s not enough time to be together, to teach, to love, to live. Fear that the pain, the hurt, the numbing grayness lurks right around the corner just waiting for me to give up and give in.

February seems so far away already.

And this year, our school is closing. Choices looming. Little hearts anxiously seeking to understand the future.

Finding our little Christian Academy was an immeasurable blessing when I wasn’t sure what blessings looked like any more. It was an answer when I wasn’t even sure we were asking the right questions. It was a warm and soothing greenhouse to nurture my little seedlings. It was a safe, protected place to hide my most precious treasures when I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to fend off the whole world.

Some of the mothers have already started weaning their lambs.

Over the last few weeks I laughed, I smiled, I joked as if spring is my favorite time of year…and inside the tension draws tighter and tighter…

My prayer life has been full of frustration lately–arguing, demanding, cajoling, insisting…occasionally ignoring…wanting my own way, my own plan…

“…Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts.” (Zechariah 4:6b)

The danger for some of us is not the lure of “the world.” It is ourselves. It’s believing in our own strength, our own power, our own plans.

Shearing time is coming up soon.

And here I am again, on my knees, crying out for help…”Why me, Lord?! Haven’t I been through enough?! Why does this have to be so hard? Do I have to face down every fear? Defeat every demon? Can’t I just get a break? Can’t we just do it my way this. one. time?”

Do I get an answer?

Oh, I do.

“Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” (James 1:3-4)

“And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The Lord is my God.” (Zechariah 13:9)

A tissue from my husband…hugs and soft words from sisters in Christ…strengthening wisdom from a prayerful momma further down this road…Scripture falling from the mouth of babes…

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” (Isaiah 41:10)

And I take a deep breath, and I choose this day to serve the Lord.

I choose this day to have faith, to wait upon the Lord.

I choose this day to establish my heart, to hold fast, to believe in the Lord.

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.” (1 Peter 5:8-10)

What do you choose this day?