Our personal circle has just broken out in a rash of weddings and separations lately. (Ironic how we see them in equal measure these days.) I’ve also been asked to do some special Spring photography projects this year (thrilled to be asked, but so anxious to do well!). So I’ve been on Pinterest. A lot. {smile} And I am overwhelmed by the…craziness.
5 hours do to wedding day hair and makeup? Engagement photos, save the date photos, wedding party photos, thank you card photos, 1st anniversary photos…I even read one article about what to do if someone dies on your wedding day. The advice was to give your wedding coordinator your cell phone to screen all your calls because unless the person is IN the wedding, no one should tell you until the next day. The thought was that you have a lifetime to mourn, but only one wedding day–and everyone that knows should just paste on happy smiles and hide it from you so they don’t ruin “your day.”
Wow.
Just, wow.
We have taken self-centeredness to a whole new level, here, friends.
I’m not about to claim that I didn’t have some bridezilla tendencies as a 22-year-old planning my wedding. And my parents indulged me to any reasonable point. But my Momma had no problem squashing me like a bug if I got too far out of hand! I distinctly remember saying something about the color of the tablecloths one too many times and she looked at me and said, “The ceremony in the Church is your day–the reception is a party your father and I are hosting for everyone else that came to celebrate your day. And they aren’t going to care about the tablecloths.”
It was a forceful reminder that we weren’t “planning a wedding,” we were planning the celebration of a marriage.
Here’s a couple of truths to discuss while looking at white dresses and tasting cakes. Not to talk anyone out of it! I’m all for marriage–I’m for young marriage!
These are thoughts to help focus on staying in it—after the honeymoon is over and the wedding cake is all gone. Let’s prepare our daughters to be wives–not brides!
1. You think LOVE will keep you together
Love is an emotion, just like anger, hatred, sadness…none of those last forever, and neither does love. Sometimes it comes and goes. When it leaves, you can bring it back, but it takes time and energy–work. If LOVE is the only glue in your junk drawer, you’re in trouble.
What will keep you together when love comes unstuck? God, and your commitment to your own vows. That’s the bricks and mortar, my friend. Love is just the paint job that makes everything pretty.
2. You want to get married BECAUSE you love each other
It’s a great sentiment, and I’m not a fan of arranged marriages or anything. You should definitely love each other. But again, LOVE is a feeling. You don’t base 50 or 60 years of life together on a feeling you had at 25. Life isn’t about feeling, it’s about doing. You need to marry someone you want to work with…Cut grass with…Pay bills with…Nurse sick children with…Go to funerals with…Serve God and the community with…Pack up and move with…Be poor with…Argue about cooking dinner with…Meet your daughter’s first boyfriend with…You’re not going to sit around just loving each other for the next 60 years, you’re going to be making a life together!
Why should you get married? Because you’re ready to build a life with this person.
3. You think you can make it through anything because of what you’ve ALREADY faced, together
{sigh} If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard some version of this–especially from couples that choose to live together before marriage! Listen, I’ve been there. I get it. You think you’ve already faced the mountain. I thought getting through college, moving to a new state to start a new job, and getting married, all in one year was A LOT. Then I thought that was nothing compared to getting a new job, moving back to my home state, building a house, getting pregnant with our first child, and starting a farm in one year. Then I lost my parents. Friends, you are going to be spending a lifetime, doing life, together with this person–nothing you’ve been through is going to make your future together easier. There is more tough stuff–tougher stuff!–coming your way!
What will make it easier? Abundant Grace. Just be prepared to stand firm and give grace abundantly to each other. Don’t think you have it figure out already.
4. You think you both want the SAME THINGS in life
The biggest complaint we hear from separated and divorced friends? The women say “He’ll never change.” and the men say, “She said she wanted one thing when we got married, then she changed her mind.” All people change. Period. Life changes everyone. They just don’t change on your schedule or in your way. Having children changes you–losing a child changes you. Losing a job or moving changes you. Changing churches…making more money…facing cancer…as you go through the next 50 years together you will not always want the same things you did when you got married at 25. And you will not always want the same things as your spouse. It’s great you’re on the same page right now, but that’s no guarantee for 20 years from now.
What will keep you on track together? Sharing core values. Are you both equally committed to God, to your marriage vows, and to your family unit? Do you share the same beliefs about honesty and financial stewardship? You need a shared base to come back to when everything else changes.
5. You think your WEDDING DAY will be the most special day of your life, and you want it to be perfect
Ha! Bridal shops and magazines want you to believe this, but see #2, #3, and #4 above–you’ve got a lifetime of special ahead of you. You are committing to building a life, a generational legacy, a sacred history together–that day of the white dress and fancy cake is just your first chapter! (And yes, I believe anything before you say the vows only belongs in the forward–I don’t care if it was 2 years or 10.)
Don’t worry about perfect–make your wedding day honest. Know what you’re vowing, mean it when you say it, and be ready to move on with the rest of your life together. God has much more important work for you to do than painting your nails and putting flowers in your hair!
I came across the original receipt for our first wedding rings the other day. Funny story–Mr. Fix-It lost that ring about two months after we were married. He was helping the farmer we rented from chase some cows after dark and it flew off while he was clapping his hands. He lost the second one a few years later after we moved back to VA. Mine lasted about 9 years, then had to be cut off when I broke my finger, (I still have it in a drawer) and I haven’t worn one in about two years. I firmly believe that the symbolism is important in a marriage, but let’s not lose perspective–it’s not the trappings that make a marriage, it’s the vows.
Does anyone else feel like we’re over-commercializing weddings to the point where we’re undermining marriage as an institution?
