Modesty Guidelines for Our Daughter
Is it just me, or is “modesty” the most confusing topic EVER? I find nothing about being a girl momma–NOTHING–more confusing than this modest clothing issue. I have no desire to raise my daughter to be a tramp, or to dress like a tramp. Yes, I know there’s a different. But I don’t think the Lord wants either for our girls! But as soon as you start looking for “rules” someone pops up and says “it’s not about rules, it’s a heart issue.”
I get that. I do! But raising children means setting rules and boundaries in place until they are able to internalize the heart issues for themselves–not just leaving them to flounder around hopelessly until they sink or swim or magically figure it out at 21! Here in the real world, you have to set “rules” for children, as well as nurturing their hearts. It’s a two-part process. And for me–just your average, every day, tired Momma in squeaky new shoes, stumbling after the Lord on that narrow path–I find the heart issue easier to get my arms around than the actual, concrete, in-the-store-aisle, daily decisions.
I know it starts with the heart, and needs to follow the Lord in prayer and Bible reading. What I don’t know, is whether shorts two inches above the knee, to the top of the knee, the middle of the knee, below the knee, or covering the knee when sitting down make the Lord happier!
Just a few pictures of the Ladybug from the wedding rehearsal last week. Mr. Fix-It’s sister got married last Friday.
So having recently has a few talks with my Ladybug about this, I look forward to writing about my experience with this heart issue later. But right now I’d like to do something a little different.
I’d like to give you a snapshot of what our “rules” look like right now.
Not because I think they are “right” or we’ve “figure this modesty thing out.” Not because I think I’ve found some special insight from the Bible about skirt length and shoe styles. Just because this is what I’ve searched for and haven’t found and maybe someone else would like some practical, organized, insight as well. A starting-off point to develop your own family expectations. A list to take shopping with you for some guidance.
The Ladybug and one of her new cousins!
So here’s the generalities we follow with the Ladybug…
WHEN IN DOUBT, ALWAYS REMEMBER…
- Modesty does not mean we are trying to hide our bodies or that we are ashamed of the shape God gave us. It simply means that clothes are meant to cover and protect our bodies, not to show off our shape. We dress to be a Godly example and appropriate to the situation, not to get attention.
- Our testimony is in our words and actions, our clothes should not distract or detract from that.
- Modesty does not mean ugly or poor fitting, it simply means we are not intentionally drawing attention to ourselves or our body shape through our clothing choices.
- We are not responsible for someone else’s heart when they look at us–but we ARE responsible for the intentions of our heart when we dress ourselves.
- We will try to defer to a more modest dress code if asked. We do not defer to a less modest dress code just to fit in or be part of a special occasion (like a wedding). Modesty is about our testimony for Christ, and we don’t compromise that.
The Ladybug and Mimi (Mr. Fix-It’s Momma).
TOPS/DRESSES
- Back and shoulders should generally be covered, but a layer can usually be added to make a bare-shouldered top work.
- Cap sleeves and flutter sleeves are fine. Tank tops and halter tops need another layer.
- Wider tank sleeves for special occasion dresses are generally fine. Add a sweater for church events.
- Necklines should generally be just below the collarbone, and/or not showing any cleavage (or cleavage-area for younger ladies!) Boat-neck and ballet necklines can be fine if they are not too low in front or off-the-shoulder.
- All tops should be long enough to raise your arms over your head and still cover the button/belt-loops/waistband of your pants without an under-layer.
- Loose or flowing tops should have an under-layer regardless of length to have coverage in case of blowing or shifting fabric.
- Basically no cleavage or midriff skin, ever.
Practicing her walk down the aisle…
SHORTS/SKIRTS/PANTS
- Shorts should be to the top of the knee when standing, loose cut, no tight or “skinny” styles, generally falling straight on the legs from the hips and bottom.
- Skirts/Dresses should be to the top of the knee when sitting, and be loose enough to fall straight from the hips and bottom, not so tight they “tuck in” under or around the hips and bottom.
- Pants/Jeans should be regular, straight leg, or boot cut styles, no “skinny” styles or any styles with the intention of being more form fitting around the hips, bottom, and thighs. Pants should be loose enough to “pinch an inch” under the bottom and the inseam of the thighs.
- This does NOT mean that “slim” sizing is off-limits or that any bottoms should be saggy or poor fitting. It just means that the cut should not be form-fitting and/or intentionally clinging or calling attention to the hips, bottom, or thighs and they should be the right size.
- Leggings are not pants.
- Under-shorts or leggings can be added to a skirt or dress to accommodate play, cold weather or style, but does not change the length expectations. The extra layer does not make it ok to see up our skirts!
{A tip for skirts and dresses is that she has to be able to sit “Indian style” on the floor without showing her underwear and she has to be able to bend over and touch her toes without showing her underwear to someone sitting on the floor. These self-check criteria keep the debate to a minimum. She can see the reason, it’s not me “making” her do something.}
We had to keep slowing her down, she was a woman on a mission!
SWIMSUITS
Ugh! This is the worst! I don’t have a good answer, here. I just have what we’re learning to be ok with.
- One piece swimsuits, or tankinis which are long enough to provide complete midriff coverage while swimming. (They exist–I have one.)
- All suits should have full coverage in the front (what is with these side cut outs?!) and at least to the mid-back area in the back. No high-cut leg openings.
- When swimming in mixed company (boys and girls, outside of family) a swim shirt and either swim shorts or swim skirt should be added. (The Ladybug prefers to wear her swim shirt pretty much all the time anyway)
- We defer to a more modest dress code if it is expressed to us before we get there.
Because this is what we expect, buying “a bathing suit” just automatically means multiple pieces for us. Unless we’re trying to meet a special dress code, we don’t make them wear regular shorts or tee-shirts or anything. We accept commercial rash-guard shirts as swim-shirts and board shorts or skirted bottoms. They are short, but they cover more than the swimsuit does, and they defuse attention to the body-shape outlined by the swimsuit.
As I mentioned above under GENERAL comments, we’re not trying to hide the fact that we’re girls, we’re just trying to avoid intentionally directing any attention to our more personal assets.
The boys were ushers. The coordinator and I had a full-time job keeping them from using the programs as swords.
So that’s our shopping criteria when it comes to clothes for our girl. When we’re out shopping, or looking at gifts she receives, this is what we expect. When she gets dressed in the morning for school, this is what we expect. When I get dressed in the morning, this is pretty much what we expect! As I said above, modesty is about our clothes not detracting from our testimony for Christ–and that has nothing to do with age. The only difference is there’s a few things I think she’s too young for that she’ll grow in to (make-up, heels, etc.)
That’s what modesty LOOKS LIKE, down here on the ground in the daily grind, for us. How about you? I would love to hear about your practical, in-the-trenches, applications of modesty in the world we live in. As most everything else in this messy real life world, our understanding of this is a journey and our thoughts and family direction is evolving, not fully-formed.
See where I’m sharing this week…
We are pretty close to these guidelines. The girls will not wear any shorts or pants, so it’s more length of skirts and dresses that I have to worry about. For Bella, I’m okay with shorter skirts, especially since all of them are either scooters or she wears shorts underneath. With Sophie, since she is getting older we are more wary of hemlines. Thankfully my MIL is really handy with a sewing machine!!
who are you too judge what people wear if they want to wear immodest clothes that is their business not yours
Modesty is definitely a difficult topic but one that needs to be addressed. I work with the students at our church and am often appalled at some of their clothing choices! I definitely think it falls back to the parents and the lessons they’ve taught their daughters – that it’s ok to “show off” your body.
Great job on teaching your daughter what’s right/wrong in the world of modesty!
Thanks! As a young parent, I find it really hard to figure out myself. Everyone wants to talk about heart issues–which is important!–but there still have to be real, concrete guidelines every day as well.
These are VERY similar to ours. I haven’t put the swim short rule into effect yet, but plan on implementing it next year when my girls are older. Love the simple guidelines you have laid out. Sharing 🙂
Oh how I wish I could have had these guidelines growing up! Such a good idea to lead young girls in the way they should go so that when they can make the choice themselves they understand what glorifies God.
I think it’s great to get their hearts set when they are young as well, rather than try to “take away” things as they get older. And to show them while they are young and under less peer pressure that dressing “modestly” doesn’t have to be a big deal.
I think it’s good that so many of us are on the same general wavelength, and yet we have the freedom to interpret the details as we see fit.
I agree. I think this is something that every family has to feel out and determine for themselves in their walk with the Lord. I just encourage folks to think about it early, set some standards. It’s easier to adjust things as you go, then to mess up badly and have to start from scratch. 🙂
Recently, we have been exploring this with a lot of prayer. We have started transitioning to skirt wearing. I am a very tattooed christian mom. I feel like the Lord is really laying it on my heart that wear are girls and we need to look/dress modest but also feminine. The girls and I have had some great discussions on this recently. It was my 10 year old very literal thinker who noted you should know it is a woman/girl based on silhouette in regards to what is considered feminine. I agree with your guidelines. We are not completely there as I said, but we are working our way there. To be honest, I just can’t dump all the clothes and buy all new clothing. Also, I want them to transition. I have to say for swimsuits for our girls when it is all girl company we let them wear tankini’s, but I have have found I love rash guard shirts and board shorts for girls. I am glad that our guidelines are similar to others farther on the path.
I think the prayerful part is SO important. We have to follow what God has for OUR family. I agree about the transitioning too. It can be a slow process (especially for those of us in God’s family that were born a little more…um…”strong hearted” then others! {smile}) and our expectations evolved slowly and with a lot of help and guidance from our church family and friends that were also further along. Plus I find we’re challenged constantly by the media, what’s on the store shelves, and what we see others doing. As our kiddos grow, they come up with different questions/perspectives from their friends that we have to address. We went round and round about skinny jeans at one point. Now it’s cutout shirts. Are they ok if you wear a cami-layer? We just have to KEEP PRAYING as we go along. Thanks for commenting!
This is close to the guidlines I grew up with. I honestly think guidlines like this allow a girl/woman to have more self respect.
One thing my mom told me when I tried to push the line was that by being modest I was keeping a special gift for my future husband if I married.
I realize this topic is way old but Pinterest led me here. It seems that modesty has gone out the window including among Christian young ladies. There was a time when it was shameful to wear the attire of a harlot. The first time I had ever seen ahem, ” working girls” was back in the dark ages of 1989 and they were dressed exactly like what we see today. I see it especially in music videos. Oh how it must break the Lord’s heart to see His creation be so shameless.
I’m glad you found us and stopped by! It is a tough area to negotiate in this day and age. It’s also tough to find ways to not only enforce “rules”, but to help your children embrace the standards and understand them for themselves so they don’t just throw it all out the window when they move out!
WHY are you so obsessed with what you call modesty in the US? IN Europe NOBODY talks about this. If you behave good you are good. Jesus never said anything about these things. Not a single word! To be Shameless is not to let parts of your body be visible. It is to lie, to steal, to do many other things. Just being dressed in say a short skirt does not mean that the girl is loose or anything. You are ridiculous. But as you are fundamentalists of some sort I am wasting my breath so to speak. BE FREE! LIVE AND LET LIVE! GOD IS SOOOO VERY MUCH MORE THAN WHAT YOU MAKE HIM TO BE. HE DOES NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR CLOTHES BUT YOUR SOULS!!! And these working girls you go on about, would you live their lives of drugs and poverty and all kinds of suffering. Go out and help them instaed of condeming them. Or any person for that matter. We are put on this world to love and have mercy as we all hope that God will love and have mercy on us. In my church women dress as they like and nobody think anything about it.
Good afternoon! This is an older post on my blog, but your comment was so passionate I took an extra moment to re-read the post before replying. I agree that God cares about our soul, and I think the post clearly states over and over that you won’t find modesty “rules” or guidelines in the Bible. It is a heart issue, there’s no Biblical mandate on skirt length. And each person has to address their heart issues and their family needs directly with the Lord through prayer.
However, I disagree that this issue is not something God cares about. God discusses both the appearance of modesty and the attitude of modesty in the Bible and He cares very much how we present ourselves to Him and to the World in His name. We might all have a different idea of what He expects it to look like, but there’s no doubt from the Bible that He does care.
you,ve made your own god up to suit you.
little girls and teens to mature women, look more feminine and comfortable in long skirts..imho..