I’ve read several articles recently about whether “mommy bloggers” (I really hate that term, but that’s a post for another day!) are invading the privacy of their children and family by writing and sharing about them on the internet, Facebook, and other social media. It’s an interesting question. Especially for an introvert like me, who found a voice and far-reaching friendships through blogging. And I don’t think there’s an answer, yes/no, this is ok/that is not. I think every writer faces murky ethics at some point if you’re writing non-fiction.

But here’s a few points I’ve really been pondering. Not answers. Not directions. Just thoughts rattling around in my head…

What is privacy?

I don’t ask this flippantly. We live in a small town. We have a big web of family in this area. Our farm is right on the road. Our business requires that people come to our home to see and buy livestock and eggs, regularly, but not with regular operating hours. I work for local government and it’s not uncommon to see my name crop up in our local papers. We go to church here. We go to school here. We do our shopping here. We eat out here. What privacy do we really have?

If we’re moving animals—everyone that drives by can see it. When we’re lambing–everyone in the area starts intentionally driving by to get a peek at the little ones! If one of our kiddos is throwing a screaming fit about chores, or our boys get in a tumble over the fort in the woods, or Mr. Fix-It and I are fussing at each other while fixing the tractor…it is not an exaggeration to say that the whole neighborhood knows. (Just FYI, neighbors, we hear you too! {smile})

As our munchkins get older and head out for youth group activities and sleepovers, we often remind them, “This is a small town. If you’re out there misbehaving, someone will see you and tell us. Don’t ever think no one is seeing you just because we’re not there.” They’ve run into their teachers at the grocery store, camp friends’ parents at the hardware store, and momma’s co-workers at the YMCA. We almost always honk and wave at someone we know while driving anywhere here. As an introvert, sometimes I find that feeling of being “watched” stifling. But it is real life, and has nothing to do with social media.

True story—I got stopped by the police about 5 miles from home for “racing the yellow” one evening while picking the munchkins up from daycare. The officer had sympathy on me with the peanut gallery in the back hollering “I told you it was changin’ momma!” and I just got a warning. {smile} Mr. Fix-It had heard about it before I got home!  The kids’ school principle lives less than a mile down the road from us. Someone’s teacher lives 1/2 mile in the other direction. My boss’s daughter-in-law was one of the crew’s summer camp counselors. A church friend’s daughter works at the grocery store and knows everything we pack for lunch every week. {smile} Welcome to small town life!

So what expectation of privacy do our kiddos really have? Privacy of their thoughts and feelings? YES. Privacy of their actions? Eh, not really. And it has nothing to do with what I may or may not share on Facebook. So I often ask myself, is this something people might know or see whether I share it or not? In a small town, the answer so often is probably, yes.

Their story is my story.

Another “privacy” issue I’ve heard is that mothers shouldn’t being telling “stories” that don’t belong to them. Some things belong to the children and they should be able to tell, or not, as they see fit when they are older. I hear this in particular as reference to disabled and special needs children.

This is so tricky! I think this is definitely an area where it’s easy to find yourself with regrets in hindsight. You’re sharing your experiences, as the momma, but you’re also sharing your child’s experiences and maybe they don’t like that later because they wish people didn’t know all “their business.” The reason I think this is tricky is because the child’s story is the mother’s story—and her story is their story too. As family, none of us are independent. None of “our story” belongs only to us, but is part of everyone we touch. And we cannot avoid the accountability of sharing life with other people. Yet there is an issue of children ending up accountable for things they did before they understood their role in the writer’s story.

Think of it like Presidential candidates. You were friends with a candidate back in 11^th grade, and suddenly your relationship with that person is front page news 30 years later because they are running for President. You don’t want the attention. You don’t want to talk about 11^th grade. You never expected someone to dig up your past like that—there’s stuff back there you don’t want to talk about with other people. But that relationship was not just about you, and you can’t change the truth that it existed. The candidate has a right to talk about their past, and you were part of it. What is the balance there, between your life and the candidates’—when they clearly intersect?

And family is much more complicated. As mothers I don’t think anyone wants to offend their children. Wants to invade their privacy. Wants to humiliate them or embarrass them in public. We need to think before we write.

But we also need to stop assuming a false sense of privacy. Our lives are not private. We are not hermits in our houses. Our children’s lives are not private. Real life means you intersect with other people and become part of their story, the same as they become part of yours. No one is entitled to sole ownership of their story and we should not allow that kind of arrogance to permeate our children’s’ lives—that they have no accountability for how they impact others. Perhaps the pressure of never having your own story, because everything you have to say is entangled with your child and you’re constantly told you don’t have a right to share because it belongs to them, is part of the whole “mommy blogging” explosion. I don’t know.

What I do know is that family and social media are constantly changing, updating, going through new stages with new needs, new concerns, new fears…As mothers, as memory-keepers, as story-tellers, as life-livers–we need to write with grace, edit with wisdom, and constantly double check our motives. Whether it’s 1,000 word blog post or a 2 sentence Facebook post.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. I think it needs to be talked about, considered, and never far from any writers mind in this day and age.