We’re in a parenting stage where we deal with a lot of anger in our munchkins. We tend to think of that as something you deal with during the “terrible twos” and with toddlers, but it doesn’t magically go away when they become more verbal. I wonder if it doesn’t actually increase as your child’s mental and emotional capacity grows, but we start giving it different names. That sounds so negative! But the whole time they’re growing up, kids have to learn to deal with things like anxiety, disappointment, and boundaries–and those issues get bigger and more intense, and more serious as they get older, not less. So it’s not really strange that incidents with anger might grow.

However; we also expect as kids grow up that their ability to cope with that anger in productive ways is growing as well. What we have found is that a lot of strategies that work with our Ladybug to handle her strong and negative emotions don’t work with our boys. She responds to having a mandatory “quiet time” in her room or listening to soothing music or being alone to work on an art or craft project. Neither of our boys does. They look at that as an additional punishment, rather than a coping mechanism.

That sounds like a gender issue, and I don’t necessarily think it is. I only have 3 kids to test it out on. But I do know that in our household, we had to come up with different strategies for redirecting our boys when they are angry.

Here are some things that are working for us right now…

Look for Healthy Physical Activities

This weekend I was struggling with Speedracer and his Dad took him outside to help clean and lay some used landscaping block we have. He was hauling stones, stacking stones, chipping stones with a rubber mallet…the fresh air and physical activity completely turned his attitude around in about 30 minutes. Other activities we use include walking or jogging the dogs, moving and stacking firewood, clearing brush, weeding the garden and flower beds, filling in holes (from the dogs, sigh), scrubbing water buckets, hauling straw bales around…

Obviously finding physical activity is not a challenge around here. But in the house you could use hauling laundry baskets around, scrubbing floors, sweeping or washing porches or patios…I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments!

Sports can also be a good outlet. Obviously, your son or daughter is not going to have a game to suddenly go play in every time they have a temper tantrum. But I have certainly sent our boys out to the field to dribble a soccer ball for a couple laps or jog a few laps as “football practice.” Sports and intentional jogging/running can be a healthy outlet as well.

It’s Not a Punishment

Please keep in mind that we’re not talking about punishments or consequences. We’re not talking about “do this to make up for that.” There’s a time and place for that when it comes to work and chores. But this is about redirecting anger and bad attitudes and helping kids get a grip on their feelings and bleed off their negativity by being active. We make sure to tell them this as well. “This is not a punishment. But you do need to get a grip on your attitude and the words coming out of your mouth.”

Which makes the next point very important!

It’s Not Wasted Activity

Since this is not a punishment or consequence (read here about how we like to use natural consequences instead of applied punishments) it’s critical that the work is meaningful. Someone told me they used to have to dig post holes and then go fill them all back in–that’s punishment. That’s not what we’re talking about here. This is meant to be a healthy, long-term coping mechanism. Part of the value of this strategy is that the kiddos can look back when the job is finished and have a sense of accomplishment. That puts the lock on that negative episode and lets them move forward.

And just a hint–it helps if you take the time to point out their accomplishment over the next couple days. An inside activity my Speedracer get assigned often is emptying and reorganizing the pots and pans cabinet. I make sure to point out how helpful that is every time I cook dinner for the next couple days.

Provide Minimal Supervision and Oversight

The early stages of anger and negative emotions tend to include careless or reckless behavior, especially with younger munchkins. Throwing wood from pile to pile, wild swings of the hammer, driving too fast on the lawn mower…oversight and supervision of their work is a good idea until you’re sure they’re over the worst of their temper and have settled into the task at hand.

However; the value here is in teaching them healthy habits to self-regulate. So you don’t want to hover or nitpick while they’re trying to work things out. My husband is very good about being about to work side-by-side without nagging on stuff like this and I admit to leaning on him in this area a lot. It’s a balance.

Don’t Try to Talk it Out Right Away

Most of the time, anger around here is more about frustration and anxiety than direct disobedience (although the anger can lead to disobedience). That’s one reason why we don’t automatically start handing out punishments. But no one wants to have a deep emotional conversation in the middle of a temper tantrum. Working side-by-side is a great way to monitor when that temper has cooled and a conversation can be productive.

A Word about Special Needs

If you have a child on the spectrum, AD/HD, ODD, learning disabilities, or any of the other alphabet soup diagnosis, you’re probably like us and see this more often than the average household. I have found that strong anger can push the child into their hyperfocus stage if it has something to be directed at and they are really able to accomplish a lot by the time it bleeds off. That accomplishment can turn their feelings of being “out of control” around provide some positive self-esteem when the episode ends. Because the work is meaningful, they can get a boost every time they see it–in our case every time he walks out the mudroom door! Obviously every child is different, but this has been a great strategy for us.

{For more information, this is a very good article about Anger Management and Is My Child’s Behavior Normal? from Child Mind Institute.}

Do you use physical activity to redirect your children? Does it work for you? What are your favorite jobs to use?