We’ve been out-of-town for several days, up north for funeral services for a shocking and unexpected death in the family. We got back late this past weekend and my heart is just so tired and hurting.
I know what it’s like to get that call in the middle of a perfectly normal night.
I know what it’s like to rush to the hospital and there’s simply nothing you can do.
I know what it’s like to be surrounded by people trying to help until you feel like you’ll suffocate and then the terror of facing the idea of being alone again.
And I know that it’s a long, hard road. I haven’t reached the end yet, and their walk is just beginning.
When we came home, we spent most of Sunday outside, catching up and checking up on farm work and starting our new garden fence. The crew worked hard, put in a good day, hauling dead-fall out of the woods and starting the first side.
And it reminded me yet again of the isolation grief can bring. Everyone moves on to the next thing, the next job, the next day, and you’re stuck on that day, that event, that pain.
And maybe they remember on birthdays, or anniversaries, or at special events when it suddenly stands out that someone is missing. But it’s so hard for someone to understand that…empty place in your every day life.
Every. Single. Day.
Especially when it hurts so much you can’t bring yourself to say the words. You don’t want to make it real again by saying it out loud. You don’t know how to say how much it hurts. There aren’t words for the way it crashes into you and leaves you drowning, or the way it freezes your heart until you forget how to breath and don’t know how to move to break free.
I think everyone has that kind of grief, eventually. That every. single. day. pain. But no one has yours. They have their own and you are alone in yours.
And you look around at the world and want to scream What is wrong with you?! Why don’t you care?! How can you move on when I can barely breathe it hurts so much?!
But you don’t say anything because you know they would look at you and say, What is wrong with you?! It’s been 4 years…6 years…10,000 years…Why can’t you move on?!
Do you feel that way sometimes? Do you feel that way today?
I wish I had words of wisdom for you, words of comfort. I wish I could come along you and share your journey–I can’t. That’s the only wisdom I’ve gleaned from grieving. No one can crawl inside you and share your pain, and it’s unfair to expect them too. It only leads to more grief. More pain.
ONLY THE LORD CAN.
He created you. He knows everything about you inside and out. Nothing about you, your life, your thoughts, or your feelings is hidden from Him. He knows, and you don’t have to explain it, or understand it, or say it out loud if you don’t want to. He understands if you want to scream it, or cry, or pound your fist on the steering wheel or pull over and throw rocks at the trees on the side of the road.
He knows it and He shares it.
He understands every. single. moment.
He’s the only one can truly can.
Do you doubt it?
Listen to the Word of the Lord, through David…“My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me. And I said, O that I had wings like a dove, for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.” (Psalms 55:4-8)
“I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long…I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart…My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me. My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off…” (Psalms 38:6-11)
He knows everything you feel, everything you think, everything you need.
For me reading scripture, and especially the Psalms, brings much more than comfort. They bring balance. They bring sanity. They bring recognition, acknowledgement, and truth. They bring enough strength to simply keep breathing until I can gain control again.
And then…only then…I also find peace.
“…for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of they wings will I made my refuge, until these calamities be overpast.” (Psalms 57:1)
“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” (Isaiah 41:10)
“He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.” (Isaiah 40:11)
“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)
Do you have a prayer request?
Let’s lay all our cares upon Him and travel this road together today.