Being Honest With Children…Even When It’s Really Tough!

You know something that I find really disturbing these days? Well, there’s a lot of things, but here’s a big one…the little white lie. Culturally, we don’t just accept this, we actually promote it as a great parenting strategy and a social grace that our children should learn to be successful!  Not only do I find this ethically unsupportable, but some of it is just plain foolish–telling your kiddo he’ll get sucked down the drain if he won’t get out of the bath, or pretending to call Santa if your toddler is throwing a fit? Really? These are not social graces–they are parenting cop-outs. And when things get really tough, where are you going to be?

We’ve occasionally fallen into an off-the-cuff-make-it-up parenting moment just like anyone else. But we live with a very bright, strong-willed, no-nonsense, truth-seeker…he doesn’t let us get away with much and will call us out on the slightest fib. {smile} Parenting our particular crew takes the concept of “honesty is the best policy” to a whole new level. I understand where folks are coming from with this concept of “social niceties” but we have found that being honest…even when it’s really tough!…pays much bigger dividends in our family life.

And if you don’t make honesty your family policy, the lies just get bigger and the truths just get harder as they grow.

Our children are young and blessed to be growing up slow within our household, but we’ve still had to face situations with extended family and friends that challenge our family’s core values…death, divorce, alcohol use, single-parenting, adultery, living together outside of marriage, damaging anger, and a host of other really tough parts of life. Learning to handle these situations is part of teaching our children to have a living faith, emotional stability, and true grace under pressure. If they’re so fragile they can’t face the death of a pet, how are they going to handle the death of a family member?

So here’s a couple ways we approach honesty in tough situations with our young children…

1. Make sure you understand the question. 

A lot of times people lie because they think the issue is too big for their children and the only other option is to treat them like adults and tell them everything. That’s nonsense. There’s lots of details in an adult world that kids don’t need to worry about. My rule of thumb is…they’re ready for the answer to the question they actually asked.

If they ask why you are moving, they don’t need to know it’s because Daddy lost his job and you’re behind on the mortgage and might lose the house–those are all adult details. They just need to know that you’re moving because that’s the best choice for your family in your current situation–it’s true and it’s all they need to know. And if they’re old enough to ask you straight out, “Are we moving because Daddy lost his job?” then I believe they are ready for a careful, but honest answer. “That’s part of it sweetheart, but there’s a lot of issues involved and this move is going to meet the needs of our family right now.”

2. Defer and seek counsel or admit that you don’t know.

I often defer questions I don’t know how to address and talk them over with Mr. Fix-It or a friend, or spend some time praying before giving an answer. A graceful defer or redirect can give you time to think and frame a reply. It also teaching your children to think before they speak. “Honey, now’s not a good time to talk about that. Let’s have that conversation later” will usually buy me time without any kind of lying necessary. The child might not appreciate it, but they can respect the honesty of it. I also use, “Honey, I don’t really know how to answer that. That’s something we should talk with your Daddy about so let’s save that for later” for sticky situations I need help with. Again, honest, but not a cop-out. As long as you remember to follow-up with them!

I also admit flat out that I don’t know rather than make something up. “Great-Grandma is in the hospital because she is sick” is sometimes enough. If they continue, “Will she get better?” I admit, “I don’t know, she is very sick. But the doctors are doing everything they can and we’re going to pray for her and we know God will take care of her no matter what.” All completely true.

And if #1 and #2 don’t seem appropriate, I go with…

3. Tell them they’re too young to understand, or it’s not their business.

Does that sound like a cop-out? If it’s true, and you’ve built a foundation of honesty within your family and your children are used to you treating them maturely, they won’t think so. They might not like hearing it, but it will maintain their trust and they will accept it. Especially if you give them authority to ask you later–no “and don’t ask me again!” allowed. I’ll say, “You’ll understand better when you’re a little older, ask me next year.”

I use this a lot when dealing with adult romantic relationships–particularly ones where I don’t think all the details and ins and outs are our story to share. “Why is X living with Y when they are not married? Why is A now with C when I thought A and B lived together? Why does Z not have a father, I thought everyone had a father?”  These are important questions and we want to maintain both our children’s worldview and faith foundation, as well as their respect for people in our lives that choose a different lifestyle or live by different values than we do. Any kind of lie, fib, or story in these cases will do much more harm than good in the long run. What’s a parent to do?

• First, I clarify the current situation. There’s usually some underlying confusion from an “explanation” an adult gave. “Z does have a father. Everyone has a father. But he does not live with Z and is not part of their family’s life right now.”
• Second, I give them a brief explanation. “I know it’s confusing. We know that God made families to be a certain way, but no one is perfect and life can get pretty messy and mixed up. And sometimes people make choices  that effect the whole family and everyone has to live with the consequences of their choices.”
• Third, I give them an action. “We can pray for Z’s family, but we need to make sure that we are not gossiping or prying. Sometimes we just listen. But if Z asks any questions, we say what God says, or ask Momma and Daddy.”

I’m not going to pretend this is easy. It takes prayer. It takes time. It takes developing a strong relationship with your children, knowing their minds and hearts, and constantly striving to understand and connect with them, to know how to address these topics with them–and how to follow-up afterwards!

But we’re not raising our kiddos to pretend to be polite and kind…we’re trying to raise them to be polite and kind. We’re not raising them to pretend to be thoughtful and considerate…we’re trying to raise them to be thoughtful and considerate. Sometimes a “little white lie” is easier–but I’ve never seen a situation where it was the only option. We’re in this parenting thing for the long-haul. We’re building a family, not just raising kids. And we’re shaping and guiding their character and integrity, not just trying to make their life easier.

How do you look at “little white lies?” 

See where I’m sharing this week.…