Courage
Well, I suppose it’s time for me to admit that I had another birthday recently. Back on the 29th of December I turned 33. Part of me would rather not discuss it, but part of me thinks it’s always been an important part of my New Year’s assessment and goal setting. A time of reflection. A time to think. (Oh yeah, and part of me would like to remind all my lovely family and reader-friends that my primary Love Language is Receiving Gifts…)
Usually I find myself thinking backwards on my birthday. Back to favorite times, favorite gifts, favorite precious memories–or even missed opportunities and past frustrations.
But this year, I find myself yearning forward.
Perhaps it’s all the changes I’ve been through lately. New job, new office, new school year routine, so many new blogging and twitter friends…but this winter my mind’s been dwelling on change and our family evolution rather than on static memories. You know how the more things change, the more they stay the same?
I decided to face some of my demons the other day and pulled out my Mom’s mixer to make cookies with the kids while we were home for the holidays. I’ve had it for 5 and a half years now and have only used it once. And that one time it hurt so much that I thought I would die, so I put it away again and haven’t wanted to touch it.
But this year I’ve faced several things that I didn’t know if I could face. Making Chex Party Mix for Christmas comes to mind–which probably isn’t a good example because it was touch and go for a while and the only way I survived the ordeal was by watching Speedracer stealing pretzels when he thought I wasn’t looking.
But I did survive.
And went on to make homemade chocolate chip cookies with Mom’s mixer. Which was fraught with equal parts soul-wrenching pain and laughing at my Speedracer.
And I was reminded of something. Mr. Fix-It’s family doesn’t celebrate all holidays (and football season) with Chex Party Mix. He’d never actually had homemade Chex Mix before spending the holidays with my family. And they didn’t celebrate with piles and piles and piles of hand-decorated cut-out cookies, and homemade chocolate chip cookies, and chocolate refrigerator cookies, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and cheesecake bars, and peanut butter cookies…I think you’re getting the idea.
The fact is, if I want my kids to have the good things from my memories and my childhood, I’m going to have to face up to my trauma-induced shadows and make them happen.
Even if I occasionally find it hard to breath while doing so.
My one word for the New Year is PRAYER.
And my first prayer of this new year, is for Courage.
Courage to move forward, even when standing still is so much safer.
Courage to cry even if someone is watching.
Courage to try again when I’ve messed it up the first time, and the second time.
Courage to let go of GOOD and only accept the BEST.
Courage to never think it’s too late.
“For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” –2 Timothy 1:7 “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” –Anais Nin, American Author “Everyday courage has few witnesses. But yours is no less noble because no drum beats for you and no crowds shout your name.” –Robert Louis Stevenson
I’m so glad that you pulled out the mixer and made cookies 🙂 The memories you’ll make with your children using it will be wonderful – just like the memories that you have of baking with your momma!!
You’re so right. They enjoyed it so much. (And now I’m thinking about trying to use it to make bread!)
Wonderful memories you are making with your children! The very same wonderful memories you have of your mother! Praying that your courage will increase! Happy belated birthday!
I think I’m finally getting some perspective and a little distance from the pain and starting to hold the memories closer. And I want my kiddos to have the same great memories I have. Nothing motivates you to face your fears like the betterment of your children.
Jamie, you have been awarded the Liebster Award! I want you to know how much I appreciate your heart! You are doing a wonderful job with your family and I look forward to more of your wonderful and inspiring posts! Please come by Homesteadingbyfaith.blogspot.com to claim your award!
Thank you!
What a beautiful memory you have created with your kiddos. Praying for Courage for you as well. I stopped remembering how old I was once I hit 35…it just doesn’t seem important (or perhaps I want to forget ;))
These are great shots of great time spent with your beautiful kiddos! building memories and reflecting, thanks for sharing!