Trust is Earned…Respect is Due
This is a hard post to write. It seems to go against the grain of how I was raised. My father was tough on people. He had high standards for behavior, but low expectations that most people would meet them. If he said it once, he said it a thousand times, “Respect is earned, not given.” I know what he was saying. I know what he meant. But being the mother to a 7-year-old that can chew up and spit out a platitude for breakfast I’ve had to come face-to-face with the fact that I don’t think that’s quite right. Perhaps some parents can get away with generalities and their kiddos can absorb the nuances later, but I don’t have the luxury. I have a hard-core analytic on my hands. “Question everything!” isn’t a bumper sticker slogan to him, it’s a way of life. {smile}
So I’ve thought about this a lot.
And here’s where I am (and why I think my Dad and I would have had a lively discussion about it and ended up on the same page!)…There is respect in relation to persons, and there is respect related to actions and ideas. Culturally, we speak of them as one and the same, but they are different–and I want my children to know the difference!
The 1828 Webster’s Dictionary defines respect (in part) as “To view or consider with some degree of reverence; to esteem as possessed of real worth.”
I believe all people are entitled to respect of their person. Yes, entitled. We should view all people, every person, will some degree of reverence, of acknowledged value, and of real worth. I believe this to be the truth regardless of worldview or spiritual discipline–it’s the very foundation of any discussion of “equality” in society today.
But we are Christians, so we’ll be teaching our children this truth…We are all created in God’s image and with His good purpose spoken over our lives. Jesus came to save everyone. All of us. Because we are all loved and valued by the Lord. We didn’t earn it, we don’t deserve it–none of us–and we are called to follow in Christ’s footsteps in our actions toward our fellow man–which includes recognizing everyone’s intrinsic, unearned, value.
There’s no case in which we are ok with our children being disrespectful to someone–even a complete stranger. There is no case in which it is ok for them to violate someone’s personal space or physical boundaries. There is no case in which it is ok for them to intentionally or maliciously disrespect someone verbally or emotionally.
No matter what someone has done that we may disagree with, they are entitled to being treated politely and having their physical boundaries held inviolable.
That is not something they have to earn.
Here’s where the rubber meets the road in parenting for me…
Respect of actions, lifestyles, behaviors, ideas and ideologies…The cultural worldview here in America is that because the definition is the same, the application is the same–but I don’t think it is.
When you move beyond respect for persons or “person-hood” that the old “respect is earned” standby comes back into play. Respect for someone’s actions and ideas, someone’s choices, someone’s lifestyle, someone’s ideals…this is an area where there is a process of absorbing, weighing, examining, and accepting or discarding, which could be likened to “earning.” Not all ideas, not all choices, are entitled to reverence. Not all actions have the same intrinsic value.
You can respect a person without offering any “degree of reverence” to their actions or choices. You can respect a person without “esteeming” any of their ideas.
- You can listen politely, without interrupting when they are expressing themselves.
- You can speak politely, without using profanity, derogatory, or inflammatory language, to express yourself.
- You can use acts of civil disobedience or peaceable protest to express yourself without resorting to violence.
- You can excuse or remove yourself from inappropriate situations without creating or before creating conflict.
These are all ways our children (and us!) can express respect for a person while being completely noncommittal–or even in opposition to!–to their actions, ideas, or choices.
People love to say that if you don’t respect their choices, you don’t respect THEM. As if there is no more depth to your definition of “self” than your political or social ideology or personal history! How very short-sighted and confining! As if you can never change your mind, or your direction…as if there’s no hope for a future other than what you can see right now. As if all you are right now is all you will ever be!
As if you are perfect and never make a wrong choice. {smile}
That is not a definition of self I want my children to internalize!
I want my children to know they are valuable regardless of what they may do that is right, or wrong. Regardless of bad choices they may make. Regardless of if I (or anyone else) agree with them or not. They are still valuable, simply for being themselves. Yes, just for breathing air and having a heart beat.
And so is everyone else.
A continuous and unquestioning “respect” of someone’s actions, ideas, or choices is what I call trust. And that is definitely something that is earned.
As a parent, do you find yourself re-examining the social constructs you were raised with? My Cowboy is a thinker. A questioner. An examiner of the slightest nuances in shades of gray. So was my Dad. Sometimes I want so desperately to talk to him about these things, to discuss the twists and turns and light the dark corners with bright thoughts! But at least I can always rest in the blessing of knowing that all those times I could talk to him, he was training me for this.
Updated on
You made me thing about how I react to those around me… yes I teach my children to respect, even though they may not agree. Of course in this world there will be trials and tough things come our way. We can choose to respect, agree to disagree. But in our hearts we must not be sitting on a fence. We are called to love one another. Thanks for sharing…. very very important for us parents to remember.
I like the way you said that…”in our hearts we must not be sitting on a fence.” I hope you don’t mind, but I might just use that with my munchkins! It’s a great way to put it!
Thank you for your thoughtful post. You have a way of saying what needs to be said. I follow your blog regularly. Sometimes you make me laugh, your children are adorable, and I learn about farm life (I live near Seattle, Washington.) But sometimes you simply hit the nail on the head.
Thank you! I’m so glad you visit often and that you commented! I like to know that what I write is meaningful to others as well as myself. I find that there’s so much growing and sorting out that I have to do as a parent–it’s such a journey! My children are a blessing in and of themselves, but they are a blessing TO ME as well–forcing me to grow and reach stretch…more than I ever imagined.
Thank you for your words of wisdom and advice in training up children. My oldest son, he is 8yr old, does not accept simple answers. He thinks critically and deeply about everything; he holds me to my word; he is literal to the extreme. He is honest and always knows what he is about. He has an answer every time I ask, “what were you thinking?!” I have learned to only ask if I really want to hear his honest answer. He challenges weak answers and ill-formed instructions.
So, who he is has also challenged me as a parent and person to know what I am about, and to weigh every word that leaves my mouth. I am still growing in this.
You’re posts are so encouraging to me and spur me on as I know someone else understands and is on a similar path as mine and can offer sound advice.
This post is especially applicable in light of the social issues arising today, and the continual push from communities that we acknowledge, affirm, and approve of their sinful attitudes and decisions even though they are in direct opposition to scripture and our own beliefs.
Thanks for your encouraging words, Erin! My middle son is a hard-core truth-seeker as well and it brings its own special challenges. You might also find my post about Being Honest with Kids, Even When it’s Really Hard (http://www.walkinginhighcotton.net/2014/03/honest-children-even-really-tough/) to be helpful. Because you know they don’t buy any cop-out answers either! {smile}