You know something I struggle with? Not getting my own way. {smile}

But you know what’s REALLY hard? Compromising what I want for what I know is right–and things are STILL not easy. For some reason (Christian immaturity, probably!) I feel like when I submit to God in something, the clouds should break open and sunshine should pour through and everything should become rainbows and roses and suddenly I’m on easy street. I mean, I’m doing the Will of God–that means it should be easy, right?

Ha! Not so much.

I wrote before that we are downsizing the farm this year. We don’t know exactly what that will look like in a few months, but we have meat lambs and breeding stock ewes for sale right now and each time one goes, my heart just feels like lead in my chest. I know this is the right thing to do for our family right now. And I know we have thought about it and prayed about it and twisted and turned over it until we’re sure. And I know that we’ll know when we get to the right ratio of farm-to-family for our current situation.

But I don’t like it.

And so far it hasn’t gotten easier. I thought that making the decision would be the hardest part–but seeing the decision through is turning out to be pretty darn tough too!

And now we are in the process of enrolling the crew in public school for the upcoming year. And I don’t like that either. I’ll save the discussion of the whys and whatelses for another post…maybe…but suffice to say that right now that I don’t like this either. This was definitely not my plan. And following the Lord on this one is taking every ounce of grit-teeth willpower I have.

I’ve mentioned before that my strong-willed children come by it honest {smile}. This one of those times were it’s a good thing. Because the only thing harder for a strong-willed person to do than submit, is quit. And if there’s one thing that Pastor Gray has managed to get across to me the last few years, it’s that if you’re not submitting to the Lord, then basically you’ve quit walking with Him. And my father’s daughter doesn’t quit. I might occasionally change direction, but I don’t quit.

Sigh.

So I’m walking the road the Lord has for us right now. I thought it would be easier. I thought once I laid that burden at the cross I would walk away free and clear.

Not so much.

I find myself constantly trying to pick it back up and make things happen my way. The humility of Christ is a tough walk for some of us. {smile}

“And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” (Matthew 26:39)

There’s no instant gratification in this “walking the narrow path.” I have to dig deeper than “happiness.” I have to pull a lot of weeds to keep the bitterness from gaining a foothold. And it can be hot, sweaty work! The Lord is not fooled by pasted on smiles or cheerful words. He knows.

“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.” (Proverbs 21:2)

He knows the depth of my frustrations. He knows my hopes, my prayers, my expectations, my plans. He knows my pain, my weaknesses, my rebellions, my fears. He knows, and He still has nothing but the best in mind for me.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

And with that I have to be content.

In this moment, in this place, I have to walk this row…plant the seeds, pull the weeds, and reap the harvest.

It’s not about easy, it’s about faith. 

And it’s about growth. It’s about character. It’s about a refining fire. It’s about love.

And this is the song on my breath as I walk this week…

“Bow the knee, bow the knee,
He is King of all the ages, bow the knee!
God alone on His throne,
See Him high and lifted up and bow the knee!
Kneel before Him, all adore Him.
As you live to love Him more, bow the knee.” 

Do you have one to two particular areas where you really find yourself struggling to “let go and let God”…maybe over and over again?