Welcome to Wednesday Windings! I hope you like crafting, scrapbooking, card making, painting, building, writing, or creating–that’s what Wednesdays are all about around here. Feel free to post about your recent projects in the comments or share a link to a recent creative post over on the left sidebar so we can all check it out!
Can I just say, this has been some tough stuff! Really tough. It’s been distracting too, because I keep thinking of more and more things I don’t want to forget now that I’m writing it down. And yet the inspiration comes hard when I try to sit down and put it all together.
In my heart there’s been weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth as I pour over these memories and once again come face to face with everything I’ve lost. I see how this exercise is therapy as much as art.
I find pockets of unforgiveness that need to be cleansed from my battered heart. I find anger that I didn’t realize I had buried so deep (I’m pretty good at purging that sort of thing pretty regularly–just as Mr. Fix-It!). I find shame that I don’t want to share. I find doubts and confusion and a terrible, terrible fear of the unknown future…the lingering trauma from the sudden-ness of it all, even 5 years later.
I find myself wanting to draw away and isolate myself to pour over these wounds and I know that’s a slippery slope to head down…
So I take a lot of breaks.
The class is moving much to quickly for me to keep up. My first family tree layout isn’t even completed yet. But I’m not in a rush to keep up. This is a self-paced journey. Our class motto is “Be Gentle on Yourself.”
My dad taught me his own version of “Cowgirls don’t cry.” He would lift me up, brush me off, and tell me “You gotta be tough, shake it off, you’re all right” and tousle my hair up. It’s pretty easy for me to hide how I’m really feeling on the outside–people tend to assume that if I’m not happy then I’m mad (it’s in the eyes, it happened to Dad all the time too). It’s a little frustrating, but being misunderstood can be a good defense when you don’t want to share with the world the heart on your sleeve. Just don’t be surprised if somewhere along this journey I post about how I chopped all my hair off or something drastic like that–it’s a very old symbol of mourning, and it just means that I couldn’t internalize the pain anymore. And it’s probably a good sign. Healing is a slower process than people like to credit, but I’ll get there eventually.
Don’t forget to link up your projects over on the left sidebar!